My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
