I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
