idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is Oprah even human
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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