I think my fart just growled at me.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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