So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
