I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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