Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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