Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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