Already got asked if we're dating
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
