Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
