The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
