You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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