the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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