I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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