bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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