There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Mom said you looked used
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize