she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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