dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
