I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
