I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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