My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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