I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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