She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
