Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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