God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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