Your mouth is God's brothel.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
