Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
