I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
