I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
