apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
