and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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