If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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