he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
