I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
