swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
