Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
