i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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