The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I puked a lego.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
