Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
