i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
