Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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