tell your sister to shave her snatch
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
