My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
