i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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