She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
