I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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