I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
