I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
