There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
