i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
