How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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