He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
