Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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