i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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