Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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