I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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